Friday, October 9, 2009

Po Po's at 2:00am

Is this the face of innocence? I think not. Those beady little eyes, the blank stare, all a cover for the mayhem which lies beneath. I hate to confess to all the atrocities that this dog has committed in our house on the grounds that my friends may no longer be my friends and my family will never let us visit them again.
But for your pleasure...
He has several nicknames in our house. Stupid, Moron, Idiot, Whizzer. There are others. Mostly it is whatever comes flying out of your mouth when you find poop in your closet. Or the living room. Or the family room, guest room, bathroom, come to think of it, there isn't a room he hasn't christened with his waste. Including Josh's bed. Poor Josh.
And many of my friends will remember a certain diarrhea incident where he walked into the middle of the book club circle and held nothing back. He did the same in my bathroom, dining room, get the idea.

Did I mention urine? Because everyone knows that where there's smoke there's fire. My carpet cleaner has paid for itself many times over. If you catch him in the act and yell at him, you will be sorry because he will run off, finishing the deed in a long, zig-zagging pattern across the room.
Needless to say, I am longing to replace my carpet.

He also cries. Whimpers like a hound dog at all hours of the night, sometimes while standing on my pillow. Sometimes it's because he wants to go out. You can race downstairs to let him out, thinking you made it in time, but when you turn around there may be that tell-tale zig-zag. Or he may insult you by not going out at all.

He escapes. A pool installer brought him to us from the alley behind the house. The neighbor brought him to us from his yard. Another neighbor brought him to us from his porch. In other words, if you don't let him back into his litter box quickly enough, he finds a way to make your life more difficult and embarrassing.

I'm sure you're getting the idea. Tod is ready to take him on that special drive.

So the other night Jack was outside. He eventually scratched on the door to be let in. The thing with my medication is that when I take everything together at night, I am dead to the world pretty quickly. I'm talking 4X dosage of NyQuil out of it. So I thought I let him in. But it turns out that I didn't. It got quiet outside not because I had let him in but he let himself out. Out of the yard.

I walked down the alley at one in the morning, up and down the street, calling his name and making the neighbor's dogs go nuts.
After a while we decided to call it quits for the night, knowing a neighbor would probably bring him around in the morning.

2:00am- tap tap tap
I answer the door. As my friend Anna would say. "It's the Po Po's!"
"Ma'am, does this dog belong to you?"

(Why no, I'm pretty sure he could be your problem now.)
"You bad dog! How did you get out?" (I'm only pretending I like you right now for the sake of this nice policeman who dirtied his uniform on this rainy night to bring your sorry rear back to us. And when he goes back to his car I'm going to scream at you.)

"I found him up there at the intersection by that Mormon church." (that MORMON church, you should thank me because I rescued him from the very gates of culthood itself!)"He was just sitting there in the middle of the intersection. I'm surprised he didn't get run over." (Ma'am, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I think your dog's done gone retarded.)

"Wow! What were you doing there? I looked all over for you! He gets out sometimes but we can't find the spot where he does it"

"I had a Beagle that got out all the time. Chewed through the fence. Well, he was just sitting there in that intersection, you know, right by that Mormon church, he was just sitting there in the road and when I walked up to him he just looked at me like I was the one who was crazy" (Again, I'm reminding you that he was WAY to close to that MORMON church for comfort. Also, again, I'm pretty sure your dog is retarded.)

"Thank you so much for bringing him home. The kids will be so relieved that he made it back." (Really, only the kids will be glad he made it back. Tod was thinking of cutting off the collar and setting him out. And your dog chewed through the fence? That's a new one...)

"You're welcome ma'am. Glad I could help. I am surprised he didn't get run over out there." (He's lucky I got to him before a car or those MORMONS.)

Door closes, and let the scolding begin.
But after the dog makes a bed on my pillow, I am thinking that it is a small blessing that the only reason the police have ever been to the house is to bring the dog home. Dumb dog that he is. And Tod's response when I got back in?
"You didn't try to get him to take him home with him?"

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Friday, September 4, 2009

Happy Birthday, Emma!

Happy Birthday to Emma! It is extra special because you are 8. We are so proud of you and the sweet little person that you are. You remind your brothers that too much violence in video games they play destroys the sensitive parts of their spirits. Anna is reminded that sisters never hurt each other because they are friends forever. Leah knows that she should put away from her things because they can be foot hazards on the floor. Mom is reminded that family is way more important that shopping. Everyone knows that you will kiss them or hug them without even being asked. Thank you for being our sweet little Emma and reminding us to try to think with our hearts more. Happy Birthday!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A Little Bedtime Horror Story

Once upon a time there were two little girls. They were great friends, holding hands at church and giggling behind the pews. These two little girls were celebrating their 8th birthdays within 2 weeks of each other and being baptized together. Their mothers had a grand plan: the girls would get their little ears pierced together, holding hands like they always do. The date was set, and the girls went to Wal-Mart. (Note to reader- Wal-Mart is evil. We hate it for oh so many reasons.) They met at the jewelry counter and picked out their earrings, each choosing their mothers' birthstones. Smiles abounded.

Then the cranky piercer, we'll call her Polly Parkinson's, appeared on the scene. Her unsteady grip on the piercing gun wasn't enough to quell the hopes of these girly girls!

With gun and sterile earrings in hand, Polly approaches the happy victim. Her mother had dotted her ears so the intended target was clear. Then the moment of truth...

With a jerk of pain it is over... but Polly missed! The earring was off the mark by a good quarter inch.

"Whoops! Is that okay?"

Um, yeah, Polly. Because every little girl wants a random piercing. Oh yes, and by the way, could you accidentally drift down to the belly button? That would be a hit at the elementary school.

Poor Emma. The fairy tale buddy-style ear piercing event came to a screeching halt. Polly pulls the earring irritably out of the tiny lobe. The wailing is drawing a crowd now, and the other jewelry counter employee comments on the time that she was kicked during a piercing. Sounds about right Emma, kick away!

So when Emma is calmed, and Polly has resigned herself to the fact that she will be repeating the job, we get started again. But this time, Emma had to pick another color of earrings. Adding insult to injury, Polly announces that there are no more of her first choice. Perfect.

Meanwhile, clutching at her mothers clothes is Emma's poor little friend. She has watched the whole scene play out and there is no way in heck she is going to subject herself to the shaky handed-so-called-professional. I'm getting sympathetic looks from her mother, as well as the passers by, but we press on. Gun in hand, Polly hobbles down to her knees.

"You are making me so nervous, Sweetie! I am shakin' like a leaf!" Just now you're shakin'? And who do you think is more nervous? And so with a non-eventful conclusion the ears are pierced. The pain is over and the pretties are in place.

When Polly starts to prepare the next victim, she escapes just in time, perfect little lobes intact. Come to find out, you can purchase the piercing gun for 5 bucks. That's right, folks. For 5 dollars the entire scene can play out in your own home, minus the incompetence. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that it is a pretty small learning curve for the job of "professional ear piercer". And I think I could even produce a very official looking document. The moral of the story...when your are going to permanently alter your body for the sake of beauty, leave it to the professionals. Just not the Wal-Mart kind!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Prepare to be amazed

Okay, I know I'm quite possibly the most talented person you know. What? The thought never occurred to you? Well if not, then you need to get to know me better. (My sarcasm is one of my talents by the way!) Dang it. Well, here is a small bit of proof that I am the man...or woman as the case may be. Observe the soon-to-be-8-year-old child...

Wearing the baptism jumper that I made! I know, your jaw just hit the floor. Emma is so glad that she doesn't have to wear the same unisex jumper that the boys wore. I am just proud that it didn't make it into the abyss where all my unfinished projects go to die. The real test will be when she gets the big dunk, will it separate at the waist and leave her with a story to tell her children? Impossible!

Monday, August 24, 2009

And then there was.....1.

Four little ducklings heading off to school. Where has the time gone? Four kids in the same school at once- it is a hard pill to swallow for me. I am sitting here at home, nearly alone. There is Leah, but I have forgotten how to communicate with only one little child. She has counted on Anna to schedule her day for so long that she doesn't know what she's supposed to do. I have counted on Anna to distract her for so long that I don't know what to do. And so we've been staring at each other most of the day. She rambles about the weirdest things. She harasses me about food all day long. Who is this child?

I dropped my confident little Anna off at her class this morning. It was the first time in a very long time I have seen her nervous. Anna is a loner, and I think she was under the misconception that she would have the teacher to herself. Whoops. The teacher's aid was trying to give her a pop-tart and milk and all Anna could do was stare at her like a deer caught in the head-lights.

Emma and Josh are perfectly at home at school. They are in their element and school is a purely social event for them. New shoes, new crayons, if only that would keep them happy all their lives!

Aaron is done. He is just done. School is a bore, his 6th grade teacher is mean, yada, yada, yada. His baseball game tonight is all he can think about. Are we really at Deacon age? I guess it is as dad always said, the brain surrender has begun.

And then there's me. I get to go wash a gargantuan pile of clothes! Oh, and then there will be filling out four kid's worth of forms and permission slips tonight. Aren't I lucky? Meanwhile Leah is waving my yardstick, babbling something about a warrior princess and panties. You see what I mean? How do I talk to this kid?

Monday, July 6, 2009

Josh going Fast, and a few candid photos

Fourth of July weekend was a busier weekend than usual. We underwent the Glazier invasion- Catherine and her family settled into Midland on Friday for a 3 day fun-fest. Cousins had time to reattach themselves,

Food to be consumed,
And many candid shots to be taken. Here are a few winners...

In lieu of fireworks, glowsticks!

Baby Dino

Fourth of July Barbecue- West Texas Thunderstorm-style

The face of perfection
Black markers make a tasty treat!
When the Taffy bag is empty, it also doubles as a stylish hat
And my personal favorite: "Hey Auntie Becca, take a picture of me NOT eating!

Thanks for the visit, the entertainment, and the priceless photos, Glaziers!
It was also a special weekend for the extended Huffman family. We were doing a special fast for Elisa and Daron, in hopes that they will soon be able to have a child of their own. Fasting is hard. It is hard for anyone, but especially for kids. We don't ask the little kids to fast, but we did give the ones over the age of baptism (8) the option of doing it with us.
Josh loves food. Let me say this again...Josh LOVES food. The decision to fast is a big one for him. He was dedicated to the cause, though, and fasted willingly.
A primary leader which shall go unnamed, brought refried beans with cheese on top and served them during sharing time! Shame! Poor Josh! Then to add insult to injury, he got candy in his class and was forced to pocket it until we broke the fast that night. He came home from church crying, and we could see how big a sacrifice it was for him. We learned from his example, and I'm sure he will be blessed as well as his aunt and uncle. It sure does make dinner that much more enjoyable, doesn't it Josh?