Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A Little Bedtime Horror Story

Once upon a time there were two little girls. They were great friends, holding hands at church and giggling behind the pews. These two little girls were celebrating their 8th birthdays within 2 weeks of each other and being baptized together. Their mothers had a grand plan: the girls would get their little ears pierced together, holding hands like they always do. The date was set, and the girls went to Wal-Mart. (Note to reader- Wal-Mart is evil. We hate it for oh so many reasons.) They met at the jewelry counter and picked out their earrings, each choosing their mothers' birthstones. Smiles abounded.

Then the cranky piercer, we'll call her Polly Parkinson's, appeared on the scene. Her unsteady grip on the piercing gun wasn't enough to quell the hopes of these girly girls!

With gun and sterile earrings in hand, Polly approaches the happy victim. Her mother had dotted her ears so the intended target was clear. Then the moment of truth...

With a jerk of pain it is over... but Polly missed! The earring was off the mark by a good quarter inch.

"Whoops! Is that okay?"

Um, yeah, Polly. Because every little girl wants a random piercing. Oh yes, and by the way, could you accidentally drift down to the belly button? That would be a hit at the elementary school.

Poor Emma. The fairy tale buddy-style ear piercing event came to a screeching halt. Polly pulls the earring irritably out of the tiny lobe. The wailing is drawing a crowd now, and the other jewelry counter employee comments on the time that she was kicked during a piercing. Sounds about right Emma, kick away!

So when Emma is calmed, and Polly has resigned herself to the fact that she will be repeating the job, we get started again. But this time, Emma had to pick another color of earrings. Adding insult to injury, Polly announces that there are no more of her first choice. Perfect.

Meanwhile, clutching at her mothers clothes is Emma's poor little friend. She has watched the whole scene play out and there is no way in heck she is going to subject herself to the shaky handed-so-called-professional. I'm getting sympathetic looks from her mother, as well as the passers by, but we press on. Gun in hand, Polly hobbles down to her knees.

"You are making me so nervous, Sweetie! I am shakin' like a leaf!" Just now you're shakin'? And who do you think is more nervous? And so with a non-eventful conclusion the ears are pierced. The pain is over and the pretties are in place.

When Polly starts to prepare the next victim, she escapes just in time, perfect little lobes intact. Come to find out, you can purchase the piercing gun for 5 bucks. That's right, folks. For 5 dollars the entire scene can play out in your own home, minus the incompetence. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that it is a pretty small learning curve for the job of "professional ear piercer". And I think I could even produce a very official looking document. The moral of the story...when your are going to permanently alter your body for the sake of beauty, leave it to the professionals. Just not the Wal-Mart kind!


Mel said...

Wal-mart. Wal-mart? They never fail to disappoint, huh?

Danielle said...

Oh that was a quite entertaining way to put it! I don't even think I would trust the $5 gun you get there. I think we will stick with the good old fashioned metal piercing gun. I found some on Ebay. Although after that experience, I don't know if Madeleine will ever let me do it.

Ah the joys of incompetent, unkind, people.

Crystal said...

Oh, yes...That is exactly where I want to got, and maybe with the no english speaking people that work at our Wal-mart, we MIGHT Get the ear. I think I need to prepare myself for this one. It's going to get loud!!!